*kanyeshrug*

So, I may have been a little harsh yesterday...but nothing I said wasn't true. I'm hurting by this. I don't need this in my life. It sucks that its coming from the person who I would think would never be this way towards me, but this isn't the first time and I'm sure it wont be the last. I don't doubt that I am loved, but it can be hard to see at times as its somehow usually clouded by moments of selfishness. I do feel bad sometimes for the way I feel about our situation, but there comes a time in life when you realize the common denominator in the issues in your life and the lives of others around you, and if its you, then its you....but in this case it is totally not me. I am not blaming anyone else for my problems. I know I am the one who put myself in the position to have to endure this mess again, but I did it out of love and I would probably do it again. But, I am not the common denominator of all the mess; I am not the only one who feels this way.

So as I sit here, watching Half Blood Prince and drinking this bottle of Arbor Mist (it was the only thing I had and to be fair I never wanted it to begin with...but there's no point in turning down free Kool-Ai....alcohol), I'm also thinking about some of the things going on in my life.

I just finished working on this test website for a guy that will hopefully see where my web design skills (as small as they may be) warrant me a job at his company. That would be awesome. I'm prepared for the kick in the ass of defeat, but i really hope I get something out of this. I would really like a job doing something I went to school for, but if not, I'll go back to applying hard for the administrative and personal assistant and whatever other jobs I can. I hear a lot of people are starting to hire again, so I need to check back with them.

My logic and emotions are in a battle right now. My emotions keep winning...nothing has ever worked out like this before. I don't know if that's good or bad, but the logic I've been employing can't seem to come up with a good argument anyway, so maybe my emotions should win. I think I've dredged up enough courage to read a poem somewhere...but I don't know where yet. I really like the environment at Java Monkey...its all love and what not. Actually, every open mic night I've been to so far has been all love, but the vibe at Java Monkey is really, really positive. Urban Grind is pretty positive too, but I've only been there a couple of times. There was a thing at Utopia this past Wednesday that was love as well, but it was a little weird too. Not too many people had notebooks or paper...which made me a little self-conscious about reading there. Even the really good slam poets bring paper to Java Monkey sometimes...makes me feel better about myself, even though I don't think I completely suck. I just don't write to necessarily perform. I mean, the stuff I've written lately is performable...but I write to get my issues out, so I usually write it and forget it. I don't need to remember it anymore once its on paper or screen. We'll see what happens.

Let's pray my laundry still exists in the laundry room later in the am!

G'Night.