Her Birthday

This week has been about the second hardest span of time of my life. I can't imagine what's going to happen when Black Friday rolls back around...especially since I'll have a daughter to take care of myself.

I had to say "span of time" because October 2010 to January 2011 was probably the hardest span of time so far. At least this span is shorter this time...although I wouldn't be surprised if it extended through Mother's Day. I'm really looking forward to is (it's my fiancé's birthday AND I'll be a mother-to-be) but I'm also pretty sure I'm going to want to hibernate. I've already decided that I'm probably going to be missing for Thanksgiving for a few years. Good thing the fiancé's family lives nearby and always cooks waaaaay too much food and likes giving it to us...

But alas, the point of this post...it's  her birthday. I miss her SO much. I had a dream this morning. Fiancé and I had just had a pretty not cute fight and were really mad at each other. REALLY mad at each other. I don't know where we were (nothing around looked familiar) but I went to the bathroom to use the facilities and calm down and such, and just as I was was turning to leave...there she was. More real than she was the last few times I saw her. She was HERSELF AGAIN. For a split second, I was so happy I didn't know what to do/say. I think she may have been talking to me but I can't remember what she was saying because it hit me again -- she wasn't real. The only reason I even had that realization is because I've had dreams about her before and in those dreams she was alive and awesome at the beginning, but towards the end of the dreams it became apparent how sick she was. I told myself back then that I couldn't go through hearing and seeing her with cancer again, so this time, I yelled at her. I don't remember what at first, but I know she asked me if I wanted her to go away. All I could yell was "YOU'RE NOT REAL!!!!" I really DIDN'T want her to go away. This time felt so different. SO DIFFERENT. Like the fact that it was her birthday would allow me to actually enjoy her...like she was actually her (these damn pregnant dreams make EVERYTHING seem so real)...and here I was sending her away because I couldn't deal with it. She went away...and I could see she was distraught to do so. So I woke up BAWLING. Hating myself. Feeling TERRIBLE for sending her away. Hoping that wasn't the last time I'd see her in my dreams because even though I can't deal with it very well, I still want to see her.

I feel like an INSANE person.


*sigh*