"I'm an INDEPENDENT WOMAN, I don't need a man!"
Statements such as these have crossed my twitter timeline a few times lately accompanied by the poster's interpretations. Sometimes there were questions. Sometimes there were debates. Other times there were what I consider to be misinterpretations. Maybe it's because I grew up hearing statements like these and knew exactly what they meant when I heard them that led me think, "Hmm, you're hearing that wrong..." But I'll explain.
The one thing that not many people really know about me, even though I have no problem sharing the fact, is that I grew up very differently from most of the people I surround myself with. I spent a good chunk of my formative years in Overland Park, Kansas. I went to a school with maybe five Black kids TOTAL. In 1995, my parents split and mom and I moved to Atlanta. Vine City in Atlanta. After a few years we moved down the street. To an area fondly known as The Bluff. You may not know anything about either of those 2 northwest Atlanta neighborhoods, but they weren't the nicest places in the city to live. There were multiple shootings, stabbings, high speed police chases, helicopters searching for people, police searches and all kinds of shenanigans that happened when we lived in that area. It was the hood.
Then I went to Georgia Tech. No one there would really believe that I lived where I did until they visited my mom with me. The thing about growing up in the hood is you see a lot of deadbeats. A lot of guys (boys) who run around getting anything that will open its legs pregnant and not take care of the woman (girl) or the baby. A lot of women (girls) who are too stupid or ignorant to realize that there's a huge world beyond the hood and that they need to experience it. People get educated or were never around those kinds of people, so they don't really understand that those people do still exist. There ARE people who THRIVE in their hood life. They love it. Some want to do better but don't how or can't. Trust me, it isn't as easy as it may seem.
Anyway, all that background to get to the point. When you grow up in crap like that your parents (especially if they know how much better is out there) want better for you. So yes, they raise you to "not need a man." Let's be clear about what that means. Physically, every woman needs a man. It's a basic fact of human nature that that is how procreation takes place. Every woman may not WANT a man...but if they want babies, parts of one must be present, somewhere (just to clarify further, because I fully believe you should be able to love whoever you want, but we aren't talking about that at the moment). Even though I know some parents of daughters would wish asexuality for their child, they know a man needs to be around at some point to get the grandkids they want. This is NOT what they are talking about. When all you have around you is deadbeats, and you don't want any of these deadbeats for your daughter, you teach her about what makes a good man. You teach her that she should strive to find a good man. AND you teach that if there aren't any nearby THAT SHE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF.
You would think taking care of yourself is common sense, right? WRONG. It's not always the case. Some women grow up needing a man or someone else to do every little thing for them. I've heard of women who are GROWN and MARRIED and their mothers still make their doctor's appointments for them. The whole point of teaching a girl not to need a man is simply about having her be able to take care of herself, so that she isn't always in and out of bad relationships or situations, just so she can get her bills paid or her hair done, or whatever. So she doesn't end up with a deadbeat. Or someone controlling her because she depends on every little thing from him. These things HAPPEN. There's a reason that I can talk with my coworkers and they talk about graduating from high school or college and all the weddings they went to soon after, and how the whole time I sit and think "Hmm, there were an awful lot of kids born to my classmates after high school and college..." but no marriages. There's a reason that my wedding is the first I'll have been to in over 5 years. I was taught to hold out and wait until a guy was worth being with forever. In the meantime, I learned a few things that I think EVERY woman SHOULD know:
- How to pump my own gas
- How to change a flat tire
- How to fix just about anything electric in my house, and how to find and use the breaker box to do it
- How to turn water on and off on pipes and plumbing in case I need to open a pipe for some reason
- How to change my own oil
- How to research and shop for anything I need, including electronics and cars
- How to install my subwoofer
- How to assemble and/or disassemble furniture
- How to flirt to get any number of these things done for me
That last one is important, LOL.
Seriously though, I don't WANT to do all of that stuff, but at any given moment I feel that I NEED to be able to. My daughter (and any other children I have) WILL be able to handle these things (physically on her own or monetarily), or have enough sense to get them taken care of without getting screwed over. Nothing in this world makes me happier than having a wonderful guy around who grabs my heavy bag or bags of groceries from me, holds his hand out for my debit card so so I wont have to get out of the car to get gas, kills the bugs the cats can't reach when I screech or point them out, or plugs my tires before I pay someone else to do it...these things are GREAT.
The fact of the matter is though, EVERY MAN DOESN'T DO THEM....and if these are things you want/need your man to do for you, you either wait until one comes along who can, or you do them yourself. THIS is what has always been defined as "not needing a man" to me, or being independent. It doesn't mean I wont let a guy do them for me. I'm not going to beg a guy to do it. Maybe I should demand it, but that's not my style. I'll take care of it myself because I know that in the end if something is going wrong with something of MINE it's MY RESPONSIBILITY to make sure it's fixed! Would I prefer to have a guy who'll say "Hey baby, I noticed your car is close to empty, let me fill it up for you." or "Hey, you've been working hard, I'll pay rent this month and you can go to the spa." or "I noticed your tire was a little low the other day...let me take care of that."? YES. That would be AWESOME.
I need MY man. I don't need just any man, but MY MAN, I need. I want to submit myself to him in the holiest of ways. I want to depend on him and need him. I want him to make me feel secure so I can only worry about things like taking care of my house and kids. Yes, I am old-fashioned that way. I would love to be a housewife of sorts. I still want to be able to use my degree to my advantage, but having a clean house and delicious and healthy home-cooked food, for every meal, everyday (well, there should be fun restaurant breaks sometime, lol) is awesome. The issue is, a man that CAN be depended on has to be found first. In the meantime, I was taught to handle my own shyt. I'm glad I found him though. He's secure and strong, and everything I've ever needed. AND he thinks it's sexy when I change my oil. :-)
I need MY man. I don't need just any man, but MY MAN, I need. I want to submit myself to him in the holiest of ways. I want to depend on him and need him. I want him to make me feel secure so I can only worry about things like taking care of my house and kids. Yes, I am old-fashioned that way. I would love to be a housewife of sorts. I still want to be able to use my degree to my advantage, but having a clean house and delicious and healthy home-cooked food, for every meal, everyday (well, there should be fun restaurant breaks sometime, lol) is awesome. The issue is, a man that CAN be depended on has to be found first. In the meantime, I was taught to handle my own shyt. I'm glad I found him though. He's secure and strong, and everything I've ever needed. AND he thinks it's sexy when I change my oil. :-)
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